Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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