JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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