Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
