I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
