Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
