You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
