You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
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