I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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