i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
