I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
