I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
