I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
