I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
