Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
