just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
there is glitter all over my balls
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
