She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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