it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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