I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
