Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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