I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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