Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
