According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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