I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
