I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
