Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
