So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
