Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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