I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
