I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
birth control should be required to get into college
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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