I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
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This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
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I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
we should paint friendship bongs
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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