Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
