there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
