70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
