yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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