I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
