If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
