You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
