and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
