he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
