I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
