final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
