Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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