Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
