i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!