i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
they need to just BURY HIM!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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