I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
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I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
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I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".