margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.