Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
