He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
