This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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