i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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