So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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