and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
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If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
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I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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