Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
