This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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