I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
