he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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